8 Tips on how to move or relocate a loved one, and celebrate the process

By Joe LaGuardia

Here at A Tapestry of Love, we have seen many families who care for a loved one who has to move to a new facility because of declining health or loss of independence.

Yet, the timing of the caregiver and the care receiver may be off–conflict arises when a decision as to when to move has to be made.  Sometimes, a care receiver just doesn’t want to move at all: he or she does not want to leave a home, memories  and neighborhoods behind.

What can help the transition process in a move or relocation?

There is no “right” answer for families going through this type of transition, but here are some things to think about when making any transition:

  • While you are consulting doctors, family, and friends about a possible move for your loved one, don’t forget to blanket everything with prayer.  Prayer fashions us into people who are receptive to God’s will, understanding and compassionate regarding the needs of others (and us included), and builds in us a Spirit-inspired patience that only God can give (a “peace that surpasses all understanding”).
  • Do not transition to a new home or relocate without (mostly) everyone being on board, even if it means compromise: Sometimes the compromise comes in the timing of the move.  One caregiver wants to move Mom now, while the other caregiver doesn’t think Mom is ready.  Make a timetable with which everyone is comfortable.  Seek advice from friends and doctors.  If Mom doesn’t want to move at all, then set up goals to move in that direction as appropriately as possible (do a “pros/cons” list with Mom, etc.).
  • Help the care receiver celebrate the memories or “sacred” spaces in the home by being intentional in the move: Don’t just pack everything and move; instead, go through things category by category (like, books or albums one day; furniture the next, etc.).  With each “category,” celebrate what those items mean to the whole family.  If the circumstances allow it, do not rush the move and let your loved one be a part of the moving process.
  • Share a meal or throw a party for friends and family to gather around the loved one and vocalize memories together.  Share what will be missed, but also provide opportunities for the new “blessings” that might be a part of your family’s new future as a result of the transition.  Cry together if it brings healing and closure.
  • Surround your loved one with a support system who can help you all make the transition.  Don’t try to move Mom or Dad alone, bring friends into the conversation.
  • Help your loved one recognize that although they are grieving having to leave behind all of the “gifts” they have been afforded in their home (like memories, raising children, etc), that this transition means they will now become a gift for others: like spending more time with grandchildren or great-grandchildren, or focusing on the future of the family by passing down memories and stories rather than holding on to the past.
  • Recognize that any transition requires some grief work.  Make room for your loved one to express the range of emotions that accompany grief, such as bargaining, anger, and sadness.  If your loved one continues to express these emotions up to three months after the move, then partner your loved one with a grief counselor or a therapist who can help in the healing process.  You just moved your loved one–budget a little cash on the side to pay for that intervention if necessary!
  • Celebrate the new beginning of making new memories and gaining new friends.  Although change is hard for everyone, there is something to be said about coming into new places.  This can be invigorating and rewarding.  God is with us everywhere, and we should not overlook either the power of sacred space (“home”) in maintaining that relationship, as well as the new adventures to which God calls us–even when unfamiliar.

As you and your family transition your loved one to a new home or setting, keep in mind that prayer should be the basis for everything.  There is no “right” way of doing things, and let us know how you have struggled or helped make for a smooth transition in your care receiver’s life.

Psalm 55 and the Throes of Honest Grief

praiseBy Joe LaGuardia

Like many who grieve the loss of a loved one over the holidays, this past Christmas has been particularly difficult for me.  I lost my father over two years ago, but the waves of grief (see chapter 6 in our book!) come at me in different intervals.  Sometimes I can stand and resist; other times, grief wipes me out and its hard to surface.

As an introvert, it is also difficult for me to express this grief.  I have a good support system, but putting my feelings into words is not always easy.

I am not alone in this challenge, and Daphne and I have taught people for years that the book of Psalms is God’s set of prayers for us, gifted to us, that helps us find the right words to say when we need to talk to God.

No wonder there are psalms of celebration, lament, hope, grief, despair, anger, joy, and blessings.  No human condition or emotion has escaped the scope of the psalms in the fullest expression of our soul to God.

For those grieving, I encourage you to check out Psalm 55.  I have been praying this psalm every day since the beginning of the week, and when I stumbled upon it, I kept praising God that there is a psalm that puts words to my deepest emotions.

There are movements in the psalm that might be familiar to others who are grieving:

V. 1 – Provides words for those who feel abandoned.  The poet pleads with God, “Do not hide yourself from me.”  Many people think that feelings of abandonment is a sign of weak or absent faith.  Quite the contrary, revealing those feelings to God is an honest affirmation that God will respond.

V. 2- Expresses those times when the noise of the world crowds in around us.  It is deafening, and we need solace.

V. 4- Affirms that those who grieve truly have a broken heart.  Our grief is real.  It is not a figment of our imagination, nor is it a process we can simply “get over.”  Acknowledging that fact can be a frightening but liberating experience.

V. 6– This verse is my favorite.  In the midst of grief the other night, I told my wife that sometimes I just want to run and hide.  This is normal (though, again, very frightening).  This verse gives a poetic reminder that I am not alone in my feelings of running, of choosing “flight” over the “fight” instinct:

I say, ‘O that I had wings like a dove!  I would fly away and be at rest; truly, I would flee.”

There is no better way to say it!

V.  13 – There are times when our friends try and help us, but only provide cliché or vacuous platitudes that make matters worse.  This is not their fault, but the closest friends will know when to speak and when to listen.

Historically, this verse gives us a deeper clue into the heart of the author of Psalm 55: He or she has been hurt by a friend, and a promise had been broken.  This is the source of grief.  Although the source of our grief may be different, we do understand where the author is coming from: words matter, and sometimes our friends are no friends at all in matters of heartache and loss.

V. 16 – This verse marks a turning point in the Psalm.  The author, once expressing all of the honest feelings that accompany grief, can turn to a posture of hope and trust in the Lord.  There is an expression of hope: “The Lord will save me.”  Later, in verses 19 and 23, there are expressions of trust.  The Psalm ends with a declarative statement, “But I will trust in you!”

V. 22 – As in many other psalms, this one includes an invitation for others to join the author in praying to God and coming to God for help.  Since God is in charge (see v. 19), then anyone can come to God and be honest with God.  As Christians, those of us who are in Christ, do not fear bridging that divide between our lowly positions on earth and God’s majestic presence on the heavenly throne.  We should follow the call of the author: “Cast your burdon on the Lord, and God will sustain you!”

As I was praying through this psalm yesterday, I stumbled on a devotional by F. B. Meyer who quoted an anonymous (at least he didn’t give the source) poem that sums up the geography and movement of this psalm.  It moved me too:

Oh for the faith to cast our load,
E’en while we pray, upon  our God,
Then rise with lightened cheer
.

Amen.

Thou Shall Not Worry

prayerBy Joe LaGuardia

“Do not worry,” Jesus told his disciples in no uncertain terms (Matthew 6:25).  It’s one of the clearest admonishments in scripture, and it stands up there with the ten commandments as being, well, God’s Word for us today.

There are many times, however, that I have read that scripture and said, “It is easier said than done.”  I wonder why Jesus told us not to worry when the only thing any of us is really good at is worrying.

Upon reflection, I suppose that there are different types of worrying.

The first is to worry when you are anxious about something in the future.  Since the future has yet to happen and you are not sure whether your fears are founded or not, this worry can be a distraction and can keep you from seeing the blessings in life.

The best medicine for this type of worry is gratitude.  We need to be thankful for what we have, enjoy the moment, praise God for waking us up this morning, and give God any anxiety we may have about what the future may hold.

Jesus said it himself, “Do not worry for tomorrow will bring worries of its own” (Matthew 6:34); and Paul’s letter to the Philippians states, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything be thankful and make your petitions known to God” (4:6).

The second type of worry is chronic worry tied to anxiety disorders or depression.  This type of worry requires intervention and resources that help people move beyond the disorder or cope with it.

Sometimes, a person can go to a therapist for a few sessions and get things straightened out.  Other times, people need therapy or medication over the long haul.

I once knew a person who struggled with an anxiety order, and she concluded that if she only had more faith in God, then the anxiety would go away.

The only problem was (as I saw it) that she already was a person of great faith.

I was able to demonstrate to her how her faith inspired my own life and encouraged so many people around her.   We agreed together that the only way for her to move into a place of acceptance and coping was to get help.

God provides us with some good counselors for a reason, and its helpful to know that all of us deal with chronic anxiety every now and then.

There is a third type of worry with which I am familiar, and that’s the worry I think all of us feel no matter how close we are to the Lord.  This is the worry that accompanies responsibility.

Unlike the first type of worry, this anxiety does not stem from uncertainty or fear of the future.  Nor is it chronic anxiety that paralyzes life.  Instead, this type of worry is that on-going anxiety you feel when you are responsible for someone or something.

If you are a parent, you know what I mean!

There are certain worries that I have only experienced as a father, and these worries do not go away.  I worry for my children’s health, safety, their little God-given spirits, and very lives.

But I also find that this worry is not all bad.  In fact, something would be wrong with a parent who did not worry about his or her child.

It’s a healthy worry because it grows out of concern, compassion, grace, and empathy.  Who wants a parent who does not worry, or an employee who does not worry about meeting a budget or a deadline?

I think that, at the end of the day, we really use the word “worry” for many different things.  Since the second type of worry I mentioned is biological and can’t be avoided, and the third type is required for relationships in which people matter, Jesus may have said, “Do not worry,” to those of us who only struggle with the first type of worry–that of the future.

But no matter the type, not worrying is certainly easier said than done.